This morning I am reminded of my thoughts on Relationships and Marriage.
I have an unusual view apparently that seems very normal to me. It is that we are always to be on separate paths together.
As I tried to date, I went online at times. Never any success in finding the right person. It is funny how I would read the ads/bios and everyone would speak of how adventurous they are … skydiving, scuba diving, a listing of all the continents someone has visited, whatever. I was scolded by a friend who said I will never find anyone with my profile listing. She was right .. I spoke of the enjoyment of the mundane. I spoke of enjoying chopping wood and carrying water … delight in doing work around the house or the enjoyment of solitude.
I did find myself at times looking for someone with the same traits or likes. I wanted someone who could share my interest in various forms of art. I did list that I like going out to eat or concerts or galleries. I desired someone who would know some of the artists I admire.
My first marriage was guilty of what our culture states we are to be when we are in love and in a relationship. We are to be Brangelina or some other outdated portmanteau or naming of a blend of first names. It is as if we are to become one person. I have always been very eccentric in my tastes. Not exactly sure why, but I hate the formulaic. I disdain the predictable or the reciting of something already done. Who wants to turn on the radio and listen to a local cover band doing a song when you can hear the original in its full glory. In my first marriage, I was dominant and eventually my wife began melding into what I liked. In the beginning, it was fun that she became enlightened regarding my passions. Eventually, she would just say to my question of what do you want … I want whatever you want. The boredom became overwhelming. Eventually, the relationship died. I have a role in that as I was new to having a loving relationship and made many mistakes.
I realized that I was seeking someone that was like me as I sought a partner. I of course had to ask why I sought a partner. This essentially came back to … it is fun to play with others, especially someone you can rely on and trust. Certainly, it should not be based in fear. I should not be that we are afraid of being alone with our thoughts or entertained. What I realized is that I was searching for someone like me. That can include kindness and similar tastes and humor and such. I could never find someone so much like me. I am way too eccentric in my tastes and style and humor. What I realized is I would not just never find this person … I already found that person. That person is myself. I am everything I want and need. I can rely on myself and trust myself. I can be attractive and talented. I am enough. I know this lover so well. I can grow with this person. I can have dreams and goals with this person. I can have adventure and be daring with this person. It is exciting! I can get bored with this person if I allow it. If I allow boredom, it is a choice and it is relying on the ways I have always done things, but if I challenge myself and my fear and step out of my comfort zone and try new things …. it is an adventure. I will be with a person I can trust and can intuit my thoughts and riff with me.
I believe when we do find that person and partner in life, we have found an energy that fits. It is like a magnetic puzzle piece. We can find inspiration. They can be a muse to us. I can be a-mused … amused. The Course in Miracles says that Inspiration is the result of genuine devotion. When properly understood Inspiration is the opposite of fatigue and ego. To be fatigued and ego-centric is dis-spirited, but to be inspired (in-spirited) is to be in spirit. In the spirit of yourself and another is inspiration. A new idea or viewpoint is inspirational. Differences matter. Like attracts like, but differences can be inspirational. Again, the two sides of the coin. I can find inspiration from everything and everyone around me. I must. I love the different views I can learn from. I don’t have to agree, but to be open is important. The 5th Agreement by Don Miguel Ruiz is Be Skeptical, but Open.
We are to be on our own Path. We are not to take on the identity of being Jack’s mom or David’s wife. We are to be uniquely yourself with your own fingerprint no one has ever had and on the Path we see fit for ourselves. We are to discover who we are uniquely allowing our histories, but also open to changing our ways … especially when our old ways are not working any longer. We are to use our brains that God gave us and allow the stillness of listening to our hearts and going in that unique direction. We are not to allow anyone to tell us how and where we are to go. We are to support our friends and lovers on their unique Paths. I am hiking this way and you chose this other route to the top of the mountain. I see you doing that and it is cool how you are scaling that boulder. If you need a leg up, I will be there to help and then I am back on my Path. I hope you hear me and help me when I realize I need a leg up. I desire to be humble enough to ask for help from another who has a unique perspective on how to help because they are on their own Path. We are to navigate this mountain called Life together. Not on the same Path, but your own. If you were on my Path, it would be like rush hour. Bumper to bumper traffic with honking and such. There would be compromise that eventually you may get annoyed and bitter about because you didn’t get to do it the way you saw fit. None of these are any way to live. We are to live this life, not let someone else live it for us. When do we wake up? When do we have the balls to make a stand? When do we say enough is enough? What are you afraid of? Are you siding with Love or Fear?
Be on your own Path. Decide what that is. Listen and be still and allow. Let your thoughts and dreams run wild and go after them. It isn’t selfish. To be self-centered in the proper way without ego and authentically seeking your unique self and going after your dreams is what Inspiration is. You can be on your own Path together with another while they are on their Path.
This is a poem by one of the most prolific poets of the 20th century. He we a Lebanese-American name Kahlil Gibron. It is from his work called The Prophet. It is on marriage. It so elegantly sums up how we can be on separate Paths together.
You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.
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