It makes me laugh that sometimes I don’t know what I’m going to write about. I know there are enough things that come up in a day to go into. Mostly, every time I ask for words from my Guide and Soul Family there is something wonderful that comes out. I can count on that. There are days that it seems it is just business as usual. Yesterday was not business as usual.
My primal wound was opened somehow. It began a few days before as I kept thinking of one of my best friends for life. We have been close friends since high school. We are even better friends now as he too is on his own spiritual Path. We just partied and tried to find happiness back then from the external. I just felt like there was some issue he was having with me right now. I tend do this to my detriment. I will feel that no one likes me and that there is some behavior I exude that I don’t realize that steps on people’s last nerve. My every intention at all times is to send Love and Healing to everyone I encounter. Truly, I focus on this these days. I cannot say that has been the case in the past … even quite the opposite at times.
Beyond my bad vibes I felt with my old friend, I had some cancellations by 2 of the most dear people in my life… both last minute. Another rejection happened from a friend that I think is still a friend. In all, there were 5 “rejections” in 24 hours.
My Primal Wound is rejection and abandonment. I use this phrase because that is the name of a significant book that I have and have read most of. It is a book all about adoption written for adoptive parents and adopted kids. This book details what it’s like to be a child of adoption, whether you are adopted to a wonderful family that loves you like they haven’t loved anybody else before or to a family that doesn’t really value you and you might just be literally the help around the house like a friend of mine that was in an orphanage and then foster care until she was returned back as a teenager … heartbreaking. I can’t seem to finish this book Primal Wound because it hits so hard. I certainly have scanned it to try and get all I can out of it without feeling so much. That is a big deal with me is I FEEL a lot. I really feel a lot. Today and the past few days, I’m feeling. I don’t even realize it usually until it starts to snowball and grow bigger and bigger. Maybe, that is what makes me an artist. I do know that I signed this Life Contract and I am living it out. It’s a tough gig.
This Primal Wound is rooted in my adoption. I was given up at birth by my biological mom. This book explains that as a baby we SERIOUSLY bond with our mother. The voice and the heartbeat and the soul that you felt when you’re in utero, the one that you connected with, your only friend, your best friend, your comfort, your safety, your EVERYTHING is your mom. You felt everything that she felt. When given up for adoption, that person is nowhere to be found when you are suddenly pushed out of that body. The idea that all you can do is look around and try to find that person of yours. They aren’t there. You hear other people, but that’s not them. I have been trying to find that familiar connection my entire life. I still find myself searching. I was adopted, but that family wasn’t connected at all to me. They didn’t have the capacity to love. It was the plan for me that I signed up for I am reminded.
There is a P.D Eastman book I loved when I was a child called “Are You My Mother? P.D Eastman was a protégé of Dr. Seuss whom I loved dearly as a child. A little bird was born and his mother was no where to be found. He went to everything he saw to ask if they were his mother. A kitten, a dog, a cow, a plane and even some heavy construction equipment to ask if they were his mother. Finally, at the end, the little bird found his mother. That always resonated with me as a child and even to this day. I especially remembered this when one time I went to Germany and stood on a woman’s doorstep with my luggage. A woman answered the door and I said … Are you my mother? I felt a lot right then because that was the the next time I met my mother after I left the womb. It was a fairly cathartic trip. I realized that I actually wasn’t going to be given anything more than I was given in my childhood in America. I used to sit and cry and wish I would have been left in Germany as a child as my childhood was painful. In fact, life probably would have been worse based on some things that I saw with this German family. That wasn’t the plan for me of course. We are given exactly what we are supposed to have and every situation we encounter is absolutely perfect for us to learn what we are supposed to. My biological mom has some serious issues and is probably a clinical narcissist in some way based on her behavior and the outcomes I saw in the family she made after I was born. I would have had my natural mother and bonded and heard her voice and possibly been loved, but that is seriously irrelevant. I signed up for my adoption and abandonment. It was crucial for that to happen so I could be me right now … to grow like I did and collapse like I did and be reborn like I was. I had to have such pain and loss to break and be remade. I am actually thankful and know it was a gift. I struggle still though. That pain exists even though there has been a good bit of healing. The wound reaches to my core and the scab gets scratched off at times.
Obviously, today was a day I realized that this wound is still in need of further healing. I have been notoriously shy and very sensitive since I was a small child. I really focus now on connecting with everyone around me. This is a forced and conscious decision I try to make everyday. We are all One with each other and God. I typically did not connect easily with others and always felt like an outsider from childhood. I always connected with the underdog and those that are outcasts. I think this is common when one doesn’t have family or familial support.
To a regular person that’s resilient and has a lot of support, the things I dealt with today regarding rejection would be no big deal. When I get to this place of feeling rejected, I wonder why I rub people the wrong way and why I cannot connect and feel outside of everyone. I go internal and blame myself for not being lovable. I wonder why I push others and hate that I’m so sensitive and hurt other relationships based on how low I can get. Right when I was at a very low point, I received a wonderful message from a close friend. She praised my blogs and how much they are helping others. I also had a nice discussion earlier in the day with one of the people that canceled on me. I knew it wasn’t her fault that I felt rejected because she canceled. I told her this and apologized for being so full of drama. When I am feeling rejected or abandoned, I take things so personally and don’t understand situations properly. I was asked by my friend what I am going to do to heal. I could only say that I will pray for healing and further answers and steps to take beyond the work I have already done. I did hear from the friend that I thought I was not good with. He confirmed that things are good with us and his life is all over the place. It’s hard to keep perspective at times. Equanimity is important … knowing that vibration is a current that alternates. It’s up and it’s down and it’s up and it’s down. I want my fluctuations to be very minor in the highest of vibrations.
Sometimes we have that scab ripped off of old wounds that we thought have healed. Ideally, in wound care when we are hurting so much we have to nurse ourselves back to health. Maybe we have a little anesthesia initially, but not forever. We have to bandage and cover the wound to keep it sanitary. Maybe we stay focused and keep it clean with antiseptic and salve. Our emotional wounds need attention and care. They need to be given treatment or therapy like a physical therapy. We must strengthen and stay cleansed. Eventually, we can take the bandage off and it needs to air out. We can be open about that scar. We can see others with a bad scar and relate to their injury. We can encourage others and inspire. Touching that healing scar can feel sensitive and that paper thin skin will eventually toughen. A broken bone can even get stronger in that broken spot. We can heal, but time is a really big part of healing. It takes time for us to grieve and heal, but maybe one day we will be even stronger in that area that was injured. We are here to learn and grow and heal and relate and help others with the Wisdom we gain through our injuries. We must be born again. We cannot live in injury and have a perpetual open wound.
I vow to work on my wounds that show themselves even after I thought they are almost fully healed. I will have another encounter with rejection and abandonment. I know though that the work I am doing today will help my current alternate in a smaller vibration instead of maniacally. I desire more equilibrium and equanimity. I will recognize my wounds and provide myself the love and wound care to heal with the help of God, my earthly friends and my divine helpers. I am still under construction. I am making progress though.
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