It is no secret to anyone that knows me that I am a big Donald Fagen fan. If you do not know who he is, he was the founder and voice of the band Steely Dan. Along with the many albums he made with the other founder, Walter Becker, he has made solo albums. On his last solo record Sunken Condos, he has a song called “I’m Not the Same Without You”. Like all of his lyrics, this is a slyly written masterpiece with a wry wit to the lyrics. It contains themes of love, regret, and self-reflection. In this song, Fagen explores the feelings of loss and emotional longing. The clever lyrics and brilliant groove reflects themes of personal transformation and the impact of relationships on one’s identity. It explores how love or loss can change a person. The humor of this song is that a person can grow in a time of loss.
Since you’ve been gone, an awesome change has come about
My life is different now
I’m not the same without you
I’m evolving at a really astounding rate of speed
Into something way cooler, than what I was before
I feel much stronger than I have in years
My mind is sharp, and my spirit’s sound
Now people tell me the shape of my face is changing
I’ve grown an inch taller since July
What in the world is going on?
Please tell me
Without you, I now have eyes to see some other destiny
A futurescape of bright arcades in which I bring off heroic escapades
I can hold my breath for a really long time now
I can hold my own
I’m not the same without you
Since you’ve been gone, it’s like somebody switched the stars back on
I can see into everybody’s heart, and everybody’s dreams
I don’t need sleep anymore
If I close my eyes, I sleep the sleep of the gods
I’m not the same without you, no, no, no
I have some friends who have had a loss of a loved one and they are alone now. Even though this song is humorous, it can also be a painful reminder of the loss. It references how we can grow on our own. We can get so wrapped up in the “Us” of a relationship that we lose our self. It doesn’t have to be a tongue in cheek dig into how someone may have held us back. That would be victim-hood. We are not victims. We ALWAYS have the ability to choose anything anytime. We are bigger than any circumstance.
We sometimes don’t even realize how we can lose ourselves over time. I mentioned that I do this. I am learning how to find my Joy in myself and what I do. It takes circumstances at times that force us to see things like this. If I was held back, it was because I chose to be held back. No one can actually hold you back. It is allowed with rationalizing and complacency. We are complicit and responsible for every situation we find ourselves in. Maybe my history of being torn down has impacted my past actions, however this is a new day and this present moment can be brand new without our historical data impacting our current choices. I am learning self-love and it is usually the hard way. Situations I would not choose always arise to teach me. Self-love is one of my most important purposes in this lifetime. I rarely have exhibited this, rather I found self-destruction to be appropriate based on the lies I have believed growing up about how small and bad and unaligned I must be with God if I did not follow what others told me to do. Remember, when others tell you how you must be … that is the definition of selfishness, not you doing what you want to do with your life. Making your own Path is deemed selfish by our culture. NOPE! I refuse to believe this lie now.
Co-dependence and enmeshment are a detriment to self-love. Losing yourself in someone’s identity or two people becoming one so that every choice has to be agreed upon and compromised is a death sentence to the joy of a relationship. We are to navigate our own unique Paths together in a relationship. We can support each other while still choosing the route you deem best. I believe in supporting another person’s happiness based on the personal choices they make. Of course, there is balance where being a team is appropriate. No one makes such selfish choices that will hurt anyone, much less a loved partner. Saying I am going to change careers or start this new behavior because it will be more enjoyable and better for me is not selfish.
We can grow on our own and for me that is required right now. I have to pursue myself and my happiness in what I do. This is the balance for me because I haven’t ever done that well. I will grow and become renewed by doing so like the comical lyrics in the song I referenced. I feel the lyrics are giving respect to that relationship as it doesn’t spit poison at the other person. It is showing surprised growth that was unexpected. I know I need growth in my self-love. Navigating alone is how I will do this for a while. I have committed myself to this growth by fasting from being in a love relationship this moment. Fasting brings awareness and clarity whether that be with the traditional fast of no food to fasting from love relationships or bad habits that bring negativity. I realize things when something is withheld. I realize how much I love food when I don’t have food. I realize how much I give and do not receive because of my choices when I am not in an out of balance relationship that I created. I look forward to listening and growing. Like a food fast, it is very difficult when that hunger arises. You have to find ways to bypass the craving. After a few minutes, you can forget about your hunger until that hunger arises again and it will. Having your eyes on the prize and not on the pain will get you through the hunger. Eventually, you reach the end of the fast and you look back at the discipline and all the things you accomplished because of that fast. I lose fat during a food fast. I have more energy. I lose all inflammation which is a big thing for me based on some medical issues I have developed. It takes extreme discipline. Discipline and boundaries are rooted in self-love. They are not holding me back like I felt in the past, but rather keeping me safe and focused on self-love. I desire to lose the emotional fat from my relationship fast.
My commitment to not dating and pursuing the Joy of myself and my doings is my goal. I am focused on the things I must do like finish my book and learn how wonder-full I am. I have the Kingdom of Heaven inside me as Jesus said. You do as well. I am going to blaze my own trail and bushwhack the overgrowth that has built up which hides my Joy.
Wish me success and pray for me. I will pray for those I know as well that are in a state of loss. Have you had situations like this? Have you ever discovered things like losing yourself in other things beyond yourself? New boundaries we can practice and the discoveries that come are skills we can employ for our growth. These new skills and boundaries must be rooted in Love. They must be based from Love for myself and others because when we are not authentically dedicated to pursuing a life of our own choosing, we are selling out for the sake of others. This is my task and the lesson I must learn and remember in the coming months. I do not know when I will be ready for a relationship with another person, but I am ready for a relationship with myself now. I will know when God brings the perfect person into my life when I am ready. I cannot say when that will be, but I will know when I Know. This journey will have ups and downs and I don’t even know what the destination looks like, but I will know when I Know … it will be obvious.
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